New Location

It's been two years, but still, if you didn't know, my new blog is over at : www.thatsswag.co.uk

Bless!

Back Soon.

Stay sucker-free. But keep registered or checking regularly. Whatever. I have something in the pipeline. You'll love it. 'Till then, just follow me on twitter for updates on the swagness which is my life.

@MrThatsSwag

A dating website for ugly people...

Yep.

I kid you not.

I mean exactly what the title says.

I'll let that digest in your mind for a while.

Cool.

Ready??

No? Need more time?

Okay. Here's a picture to help you.

OKAY.

I'm done.

I can't even say anything.

Just.

Agh.

Why is life like this??

Check it out.

The King Has Returned

You know what yeah.

I wasn't gonna come back, till I finished doing my other projects.

In the past couple of months, I have let A LOT of swag things slide.

But no.

Not this.

THIS. ANGERED. ME.

I swear to God.

I was actually VEXED at the STUPIDITY that was occurring.

I can't even type what I'm feeling, so I made a video blog.

I think this is my first.

It's about Shardinay - Oh Boy.

Like.

Everyone on Twitter was blasting her.

I allowed it, cos I try to stay out of that.

But.

When I watched the video. This still angered me so much.

I HAD to make this video.

I HAD TO.

But, whatever.

Watch the video, then check the video which caused such an outburst of emotion.

(Sorry about it being sideways, but you'll manage).

Sidebar: My hair was going on a Shardinay - hence the hat.

Sidebar #2 - Recorded in the room with most light (you'll see what I mean)

Here's the video.

TELL ME I'M DEEP, I DARE YOU.

WTF Moments Part II

I wrote this YONKS ago (last February I think) but I found it slyly humorous and hopefully you will do too.

Enjoy.

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I Know...A few days late, but what can ya do.

This time round, I'll be looking at the WTF Moments that I've seen...

For those who don't know what a WTF Moment is,or have forgotten since last month, here is a dictionary definition:

What the fuck[wtf] moment [hwot,stressed thee, fuhk, moh-muhnt] adjective:

1. When something that defies all laws of logic takes place. Example:
-Arsenal win the premiership

2. When words cannot explain how odd a scenario is. Example:
-Liverpool going ahead of Manchester United

3. When a moment just does not make sense. Example:
-Maddie McCann reappearing [I will rinse this line until the end of time]

Now, lets get on with the show!

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1.Certain parents have gotten sloppy. Im sitting on the 123 to college in the morning, and the bus windows are fogged up. Obviously, little kids are expected to draw pictures, or write "Hello", but no...this went a lot differently.
This girl decides to write "FUCK"...and she's like 6 years old!!! And her mum is just watching her!!

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2.People that know me well know that I am some sort of vampire. My sleep patterns are CRANKED. But even i draw the line at belling me at 4.43am on a Wednesday morning! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? How DARE you violate my sleeping pattern. How DARE you violate just to say "Hi. Im bored. What you doing?" What the hell do you expect me to be doing!? Climbing Mt. Everest? Doing Yoga? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!? The worst is if I already don't like you too-tuff and you're doing this!? You're mad.
Next time you do it I will come through the telephone line and G'BOSSA you're face [Facebook and YouTube user know what I'm on about].


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3.Exams! Exams are not cool in anyway. Infact they're the swaggest way of judging someone's intellect. But what I seriously don't rate is them WASTE that are rolex sweep'ing in the exam hall.

IF YOU'VE DONE AN EXAM RECENTLY YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. That one douchebag thats bare shaking his arm around in such an annoying way its in your view. Its a universal message that if you aren't shaking your arm off like he is, you've failed. Another sign is that guy that asks for more paper. Not just one sheet though. Not two sheets. THREE. Thats SIX EXTRA PAGES ON TOP OF THE 8PAGE ANSWER BOOKLET. You are NOT writing 14-flippin-pages to talk about the effects of tourism on a less developed country. YOU DON'T RATE!

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4.My last one is...well, Valentines day is coming up. Fair enough. But this is still not cool


I know people share headphones but putting two headphones in one iPod is SWAG. This is not cool! This is as bad as PDA. I don't understand why people think that whilst I'm on the tube I need to see them have dry-sex and bare lipsin. Especially when I dont have my iPod and I'm just hearing bare 'schloping' and ting. ERGH.

Lectures are pants!

Lectures at uni are a par.

I mean, they're only 50minutes long but they're tiring!

In certain lectures, I actually struggle to stay awake, but it looks like I'm not the only one.

Ask any uni goer, or these lot when they wake up...

Please believe this all happened on the first day back after Christmas.

Five weeks into certain lectures, and this is the turnout.

Everyone left me and didn't decide to sent me the memo.

NOW WE ARE ALL STRESSING ON THE COURSEWORK.

Finally! I'm In University!

Gosh!

I finally got there in the end.

I skipped a lot.

But. Meh. Sue me.

Anyway.

For those of you who don't know, I go Loughborough University.

It's near Leicester for those of you who don't know that already.

Anyway, I've realised that University is the most relaxed place, ever.

Like, nobody goes to lectures stunting (if they go to lectures at all).

HOWEVER, I did a crep check here, and people are going on RECKLESS.

Here's a few examples.

He took that ishh waaaaay back.

Under no circumstances is it cool to come chip shop bare foot/in socks at 11pm. Not even drunk yet.

It's definitely not cool to walk round like this in November.

You know what else is reckless? Dirty kitchens.

VILE!!!

I can't do dirty kitchens.

I've gotta cook in there.

Which is why I feel so terrible for my boy.

His kitchen is atrocious.

Like.

There's no other words.

If you are eating, about to eat, just finished eating, are pregnant, have OCD, have a pacemaker, have a weak heart, have a history of medical problems, or any life threatening disease, do not look at this.

If you can tell me what the heck that green stuff is I will actually give you money (not really, but still...)

Whole bunch of randomness!

Basically, I'm tryna breeze through my backdating so that I can put uni stuff up.

Soooo, this post, much like the previous, will have little talk but alotta visual!

First up!

Facebook! I don't mind people adding me, but this is a joke.

Speechless.

My friends 18th birthday last year.

I love this guy.

Nikki's back is amazing. This guy looks like he bust just from looking at it.

King. Look at the emotion in his face.

The state of my life is 'fantaradical' as some would say.

Par ting.

F.M.L.

You see that chicken wing? No word of a lie he picked it up, wiped it down, then gave it to his kid.

Polio ting.

Flava Flav is a DAN.

The original Weezy F. Baby.

Cringes From The Past

I miss these guys so much.
And they're faggots cos they're lazy (especially Jamz)

But.
Enjoy.
In all it's swag/cringe glory.

They did this for the whole song

And to think, two of us in this were Performing Arts Student...

I miss this guy, no homo(can't say the same for him)

The Swaggest Shorts Pt. III

Watch him briefly suck it.

Good times, good times.

Whoever thought of these things...

...should be shot.

What wasteman wakes up one day and only wants to colour SOME of his grey hairs?

1. Why is the guy smiling so eerily?

2. Why does he look retarded

3. Why is it called retar-dex(granted this ay answer #2)?

Ok, condom's aren't swag.

But.

The location of this condom machine.

Was in the male changing rooms.

In a swimming pool...

Is there something I don't know about swimming pools...or...?

I just heard some real bad news...

Ok.

Not bad news. I just had some bad days.

But I like that song.

Anyway, in the past year or so.

I've some pretty swag bad days.

It's inevitable.

We all have those days.

Well, I have those months so stop your complaining damn it!

Anyway, here's two of my most memorable ones - I'm always blogging 'bout others, might as well put myself under the microscope as they say.

Enjoy?

(Don't watch the facial features - or the swearing. They were bad days.)

The first two are self explanatory.

The par with this one is that there is another part to this story which makes it worse.

I get on the train, finally get to Romford - BARRIERS ARE OPEN.

Me being an idiot, I forgot that Romford has a back exit ANYWAY that has no barriers - reason one why I'm a dickhead.

Then I RUN to the cinema (if you've been there you understand the EMOTIONAL distance from the station). That's reason number two as to why I am a dickhead.

I then get to the cinema, and PAY for a ticket. That's reason number three why I'm a dickhead. Why is it reason number 3? Cos when I get upstairs, THERE ARE NO USHERS.

P.S. - Contrary to what I just wrote, I am not a dickhead, so don't even think 'bout it.

Mate. This next one is technically a bad day for the girl whose birthday it was, but oh well.

It's summer time, and I'm hearing "POOL PARTY FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!".

Now, you know I run on LBMT(LATE black man time - that's EXTREMELY late) as well as most of the people I hang out with. So, we decided to roll to this POOL PARTY (keep these two words in your mind at all times).

This was the pool....so, the party?

WATCH THIS VIDEO CAREFULLY

So much fun right?

There was about, 10 people all in all.

And they tried to make us stay.

I took food and supermalt.

Then made my exit swiftly.

Wanna hear the par?

They had to turn the music down cos naighbours complained about noise...

It was a Saturday.

There was TEN people.

The music was down to the sound you play in your room when your mum is asleep in the next room.

They got in trouble again.

Had to turn the music off.

Pissed.

Just when you thought it made sense to shop again...

Mate.

Before I start this post, have you realised that I don't name my posts 'The Swaggest [blah]' anymore?

Yea, #weoffthat.

It's quite limited cos some things will just be too long, or repetitive.

Anyway.

This post is gonna be mainly picture based.

Why?

Cos, I need to hurry up backdating so that I can post new stuff!

Shops have just been, stupid.

There's no other explanation.

Like the stuff they sell is just questionable.

Like I was in Blackpool and they were selling a replica of my crown jewels.

Well, mine is bigger but you get the point ;D

Then on top of that, they had the audacity to have a knock-off PRIMARK?!

This is saddening

Anyway, TK Maxx is casually sick.

For people who have smaller feet than me that is.

I mean come on! Whenever I go in TK Maxx, this is what they have to offer me:

Now, how can I go Tesco to buy some stir fry noodles, and they're selling a single pack for this much:

Blessed price right?

WRONG.

Tesco are stupid with their own prices, a double pack cost 1p extra. ONE PENNY EXTRA.

And how can me buying two of something cost less that one. Even on special offers:

Ok.

I wanted to end this post on one MAIN point. But I (don't care if you do) find these next 6 points funny. So enjoy!

Number 1 - Ilford Iceland

I knew they sold children in Ilford. Just knew it.

On a plus note, I heard they're buy one get one free.

Number 2 - What idiot would buy this on credit?

Number 3 - Self Explanatory

Number 4 - This isn't funny, I just find 'em cute lol

Number 5 - Barking ASDA

Oooooooooooooh my lawd. This one has a story. Firstly, my boy bought some Vaseline, opened it, and here is what it looked like.

Look how dug in it is!!!

Then he used it cos it was 'long' to line up again.

Now, the part that I found- interesting.

Some man just comes running out with bare ASDA bags but me and Darko didn't know why.

Next thing we see, couple of community police officers just tackle him and arrest him.

In his haste to escape, he hit some old one and barged her outta the way.

I kid you not, he basically stole, Lamb, Chicken, Beef, Couple bottles of champagne and some pork.

He wanted some victory meal.

And finally,

Number 6.

THIS IS ACTUALLY HILARIOUS.

LOOOL IT'S A GUY.

It's been a long one...A very long one

It's been so long.

You've all grown so much.

It's amazing.

Just yesterday I had just made this blog with a plain background..

Now look at you all!!

With your Jobs Yearly Income/University Student Loan/Job Seekers Allowance/EMA/Pocket Money.

But. One thing hasn't changed...

My life is still filled with swag bollocks, people, food, areas, television, events, tweets, facebook pages, etc etc so on and so on.

So I'm back, WITH A VENGENCE!!!

But first off, let me go get some food...

In Ilford, places are limited on where you can go get food...

But would any of you REALLY buy any of this??

Nah, what is this?!

What self respecting chicken shop sells chicken and rice with Shami?!

On top of that, the respectable chicken shops try give me THIS as a thigh?

Chicken...with no skin? Don't piss me off!

The stuff gets worse when I go out though. For instance, I went to my old school's 6th Form Leavers Ball/Prom/Whatever.

The venue - SICK.

The music - SICK.

The drink prices - SICK.

The food - made me SICK.

Like.

It was actually a par.

Look at these pictures, and try tell me you would be anywhere satisfied with this meal.

First off!!

Starters:

A wonderful fruit platter with exotic tastes from all over the world...Yum!

Next up, the main course!

Bread! The finest bread made from wheat that has been sourced straight from Scotland...Oh wait? What's this...it's not bread! It's...

CHICKEN!!!

Succulent chicken(???) served with the finest gravy and fresh carrots sourced from Cornwall and potatoes from Scotland.

DON'T PISS ME OFF. THAT CHICKEN IS DRY.

IT SOAKED UP THAT STUPID WATERY GRAVY.

I COULDN'T EAT IT.

I COULDN'T SWALLOW.

LOOK.

HOW.

DRY.

IT.

IS.

And for dessert, we have something that would impress even Gordon Ramsey himself.

Freshly cooked, warm, moist, and spongy profiterole

Fahk.

They were crusty and stale.

Like seriously, I could have thrown it and knocked Kimbo Slice out with it.

P.S. TGI Friday's are PRICKS/GENIUSES/SLYLY PERVERTED for advertising food at a urinal.

The Swaggest Days Out

Well, Well, Well.
Its Been A While But I Don't Apologise So....



My timetable is a JOKE. Sleep - Revision - Poop - Revision.
But whilst Saw4 is playing infront of me, I figured I might as well update. Better 3.09am than never, right?

So, whats been going on during the time I've left you? Nonsense.

1.People have been celebrating birthdays in KFC [Not with me]

ONLY IN STRATFORD

2.How can you come KFC and only eat skin [Stupid Chanaide] And Why Is There Ice In My Drink?



3.I nearly died @ Bank station. They weren't even joking about the gap.


4.Sainsbury's in Stratford went ona mad one..


5.Some racist little girl was GRIPPIN onto her mums bag when I came and sat down.


6.I met a pregnant security guard.

ITS'A MAN BTW!

7.Ilford Library went on a mad one.



8.I merked golf on my first go [Par 2 Snatch n Diablo]


9.I found the source of every girl in London's weave


10.And I found out YOUR problem


Now. Im Off To Finish Saw4 and start Saw5.
Ill Update again after revision.
But before I go, here's a lil video for ya: