The Swaggest..........WAIT A MINUTE!!!

RIGHT
Stop the presses
Call up BBC, ITV, Channel4, Channel5, E4, EVERYONE

I'm stopping Thatsswag.......







For this post =P
It has come to my attention that certain people don't know how to do certain things. So this post is dedicated to three important things that people need to learn to do..

So here we go!
Thatsswag.blogspot.com's very own ''HOW TO'' guide




•How to host an event

-If you're the host of a show. Don't have some dull voice cos you
just set the tone of the whole event. Especially if you have a time
limit. Wasting time will not get you a refund on your hire fee.

-Why on earth would you rent somewhere and say the event starts at 6 o
clock and you, as the organiser, reach at 8 o clock. Once again you
won't get a refund on your hire fee.

-If you want people to dance do NOT have seats or tables. They WILL
get sat on you waste. If you MUST have seats do NOT under any
circumstance have too many. It will just make the event look 10x
deader. So if it's dead already then you got a major KO.

-If your paying a DJ £500 then you should tell him what type of music
is played. If the music is dead you can't blame the DJ in anyway!

-Remember. If the venue is swag, you KO'ed your own event from the start

-If it's an African event, expect all left overs to be taken. Do not
expect to get a drink or food after the event as the chances are like
0.0000001%


•How to enjoy a shubz

-Certain girls act up infront of cameras like their models. It's a
party not a photoshoot

-Don't pay ten pounds entry to look militant in the corner of the
room. Don't player hate on people dancing either. That's like paying
ten pounds to hate on someones myspace. It don't make sense.

-If you can't handle your drink
Don't drink! Certain people will stamp you out for vomitting on their
top or spilling drink on them

-SKANK. If you can't skank two step. If you can't two step you
shouldve stayed at home.


•How to be an average grade London MC

Disclaimer: Taken From Boondocks - Story Of Gangstalicious



-Get a producer no one has heard of who makes catchy beats. If you
can't so that then : limewire>search>flukes

-If your gonna mc in public then make sure you take atleast 30 people
with you so that they can drown out the boo's

-Make up bars that people can't even hear properly but have easily
recognisable last words.
Example: klsj;agfakl;sjgfaskl;jfg;asjkgfklasgfklsgflkhasg reign, asjkl;jklfasjklfhkajsfhklsjfgkljasgfkljasgfjkla pain, shlakgfwuigrioasjlgfklgaslfashlgfj fame, shakjfaghskfhgalhkgfahkgwriasughfjihasj game

-Come up with a tagname that doesn't make sense. E.g. Tinchy Stryder.
Chipmunk. Devlin. Mojo. [I will cross these names off if you can tell me why they're named that]

-And do not forget, you must always talk alotta smack, like you been pushing drugs since 3, got shot at 7, shot someone at 12, became a drug lord and 15 and are now worth a millie.

The Swaggest Event

College Link Up








Click it








If it doesn't work
Ask someone who knows/went to it

Nuff Said

The Swaggest Morals

Listen though
The world is officially corrupt
THey're now using babies to gain money?

Before i continue...let me explain.
Its the pampers advert. You may have seen it, you may not. But regardless here it is:





Whats swag/corrupt about that?
Go to the ending, like 28/29 seconds, PAUSE, and read the small print.

If you cant see, here it is:


Still dont see?!?!



If you didn't know, 0.047 euro's is equivalent to 0.03p...AND THAT GETS ONE VACCINE!?

The cheapest pack of Pampers is £5.98 according to Sainsburys.co.uk
If they donated all of that money, they'll be able to get 19,933.3 vaccines....

Pampers are MORALLY SWAG!

The Swaggest Computer Desk

Trust me
I was NOT gonna update till like, friday
But something happened last night [Monday 15th December 2008] that NEEEDS an advertisement
Listen.........



























My computer desk broke!
And in Jwls fashion, im gonna do a picture blog for this. So its a plog...whatever.


So obviousli, for a while now, my computer desk[from now on called desk] has had a crack in it from 1 time i got vex n jus punched it...


But last night...i dunno wtf happened. I musta pushed to hard on it with my hand or something.... something like so:


So...my desk went from looking like this:


To this:





Im bare switchin cos this is happening at like, 00.45am - 2.00am. i was bare wondering wtf to do. but luckily, i found some next piece of wood [which broke from the desk time ago] and put drill holes on the side and did some carpentry ting, so now it looks like:




-------------------------------------------

What lesson did i learn from all this?


Spinach will give you Popeye strength that can break through all substances

P.S. I have popeye strength, the desk is wolverine wood. Clearly Popeye would DUPPY Wolverine off.
100% FACT

The Swaggest Items...And One Not So Swag

-------------------------------------------------
THIS IS A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
BUN EMA! SCUMBAGS!!!

I HAVE RECEIVED 0 FOR THE PAST 4MONTHS!!!!! AND THEYRE TELLING ME
IM EFFECTIVELY WAITING UNTIL JANUARY? GONNA BE ONE SICK BACKDATE PAYMENT!!!
----------------------------------------------------

Back On Topic!
I'll Keep these short and simple 'cos I've been writing stories lately!

1st Up!
The African Carpet brush which doubles as an 'anonynmous' friends hair brush!



Next in line we have the biggest bottle of Kidney failure you will ever see

Note : The Speaker next to it is the same height as a bedside drawer!![Its Hennessey By The Way]


Last but not least, this generations version of where's wally. We present to you...
WHERE'S BIN LADEN!? [Sold in all good HMV stores...]


I wont lie...it's a good book!

The Swaggest Mum

Not my mum
DONT GET IT TWISTED!

However, this woman is.
Once again, East Ham. Outside Sainsbury's
Her little son, was CRYING for her. Screaming ''MUMMMY''
Rather than picking him up, what did she do?
Walked off smiling. As well as that, rather than picking up her son...she was busy holding.....




A LETTUCE!



Coming To A Newspaper and News Channel Near You
Maddie pt. 2. Was that joke too soon? Ah well, i am not Politically Correct. I am not a P.C
I am a Mac![Apple iTouch really...but meh!]

The Swaggest Clothes

Trust me.
Its Christmas time [which i don't really care for 'cos it isnt REALLY Jesus' birthday..but that story is for another time]
People are going CRAZYYY shopping, and with this VAT cut you save .......a pound!! Alistar Darling pars MY budget.

Still, the one thing people will buy is clothes...thats because they're the cheapest thing
But i draw the line at stripping on MY, i repeat MY 145 Bus!!



Butterz clothes aswell!

Next up
PRIMARK
I have no problem with Primark or its shoppers, unless its the one in East Ham.
I was meant to meet someone there, and whilst waiting i saw these two woman Christmas carroling to get money for charity...

I will repeat that
Two women were Christmas carrolling outside Primark in East Ham


.....
Don't see the problem?
YOUR ASKING FOR MONEY OUTSIDE PRIMARK!!
Its like going into the Pound store and stealing
IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Lets play a game
Spot the white person in Primark!



Primark is an Ethnic Par I Swear!


However, i am NOT exempt from this Christmas shopping spree.
Believe i went out to buy one book, came home with all of this:



Saving is swag, put my clothes up in the bag!

The Swaggest Health Regime

I am NOT healthy.
I do SOME exercise, but i am NOT healthy.
HOWEVER
Even by MY standars, the following foods are diabetes in a box/ona plate


Sainsbury's are SCUMBAGS!
First off, the stop making 10 packs of doughnuts
Then i read the box and it tells me that the doughnuts are FROZEN then heated.
Tell me, why is it in the fresh bakery section?!
Then i realised they're trying to kill me.



DO YOU SEE ALL THAT SUGAR ON THE BOTTOM?
If that was cocaine you could DIE!!!!

But...once again I AM NOT HEALTHY
So me making cholestoral sandwiches areb blessed:



DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE LETTUCE. This sandwich had more grease than the bottom of a KFC bargain bucket.

The Swaggest Update...Maybe?

My Blog Is Crying.
Trust Me...I Haven't Been On For Almost A Month
But bear with me like a panda
i promise i will make it up to you lot over the week...still heres something to feed your appetite



I played my mum Rachel Hylton's X-Factor Audition Video :

Mum -[african accent syle] Oh, she's tryin to sound like Amy Winehead. Where is she now? hospital?
Me - .......................................
Me - IM SORRY. I cant let it go, Did you just say Amy Winehead?!
Mum - Is that not her name?
Sister - No...
Me - Her name is Amy Winehouse
Mum - Okok. But Why is she singing Amy Redwine's song

.................................

Anyway, Onto The Swaggest Town

ROMFORD
I Swear i thought that there was no where worse than Ilford.
I WAS WRONG. Romford is full of clubs, kebab shops, a lidl and a McDonalds.
I go Into McDonalds....AND THEY'RE CHARGING ME £1.80 FOR A FLIPPING MCFLURRY
AND £1 FOR ONE
I REPEAT
ONE!!!
APPLE PIE
WTF!?!??!?!

The Swaggest Safe Sex Convo

It happens to all of us.
The talk
Yes, THE TALK.
I thought i got away with it cos it didnt happen yet.
But my mum gave me the swaggest safe sex talk ever.

It started with her saying something about me lying with a girl or hugging her or whatever...

Mum - Make sure she doesn't get you on a latch
Me - What?
Mum - On latch!
Me - Ok.....I thought she was going to say not to get her pregnant
Sister - Thats what she meant! I understood!
Mum - Exactly! You shouldn't even be doing the deed.
Me - Deed? Say the word!!!
Mum - [African Style] Ah, I have told you before. Even kissing a girl can get her pregnant!
Me & Sister - HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Alot...

The Swaggest Science Experiment

Im doing the video updates first, cos they require less time!
But ona real, check out this science experiment, wish we did this in school. =[

The Swaggest Blog Website

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Blogger.com is a PAR
Every damn time i come to update
IT TELLS ME MY PASSWORD IS INCORRECT
HOW?!
ALLLLL of my passwords are the same
Fudging sons of bannana-hammocks

Anyway, Update Soon Come.
Till then, heres the swaggest health check ANY female can get, Trust Meee Cusss.
[Watch the guy on the left, he looks high on coke and heroin]

Stop! Random Time!

Ok.
This Is Randomised Products/Pictures I'll never have a whole post for.
So yea...

1st things first, for everyone that doesn't know..
[Written By Hayley[see picture below..........I don't really kill them!]



She's actually iron woman! Coming out in cinema's 2010

Now, you know when you go chicken shops, you expect them fake drinks like Mirinda...But, this jazz isnt even in eglish!

Or even arabic like usual!

The Swaggest Hygiene

BECAUSE There is no other place for me to put this picture, im putting it here at the beginning.



Location : Ilford library mens toilet - Second floor.
YES. I LOOK LIKE SOME FRESH THING OFF THE BOAT. BUT YOU DONT GET IT, THERE WAS PISS ON THE FLOOR, AM I MWAD?!
Notice the tip-toeing, i did not want to touch it AT ALL. Some swag hygiene!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway. I bought some jelly beans [addiction]. And they were peng...till i noticed something odd in one.



You see that black line? Guess what it was....IT WAS NOT A HAIR...It was

A PIECE OF WOOOD. SOMEONE, TELL ME. WTF IS WOOD DOING IN A JELLY BEAN PROCESSOR. SERIOUSLY?!

The Swaggest Toys

Racism is everywhere.
From school, to work, even to resturants and airplanes.
But when its in toys, you gotta worry about our younger generations!
So i present to you, the swaggest toy set, EVER.



But now...Barack Obama is getting ready to take over as the most powerful man in the world...i call that a.......

The Swaggest Immigrants

Africans!
What the fudge cake is wrong with us? SERIOUSLY?!
I was in Subway today [11/11/08] (with vouchers of course) getting my regular footlong italian BMT. When some FRESHHHH guy came in. When readign the african mans part, please picture it in the STRONGEST african accent.

Aff - Eh, Excuse me, do you have halal?
Worker- Yes, everything in here is halal.
Aff - OOOOOOOOOOH, Thats good!
Worker- What can i get you sir?
Aff - I WANT MEAT!
Worker- Erm....You have to choose one from the menu
Aff - Ah Ah Now, I Don't know how you do this thing, just give me meat!

Me - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! BUSH!

But it doesn't end there.
It reaches home too....I love my mum. We all know i do, but sometimes he roots come out.
I must of told her something shocking and this is how it went...:

Me - Yea i know its mad.
Mum - Ah, I Know! I'm fabalastic.
Me - Flabagasted...
Mum - Thats what i said now! Fabagastic
Me - You mean Flabagasted...
Mum - I said that! Fagabastard

Nuff said.

The Swaggest Video - QUADRUPLE EDITION!

Ok. 4 Video's for the space of one blog post!


Now, Lets get it started!.




He got no wedding cake after this :(

This second one only makes sense if you know about the 'Dragonball Action Movie'. But its still funny regardless...



And number three. Recorded by yours truely.
EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This woman was doing some rain dance or something in Walthamstow...Madness...


Oh
OH
OHHHHHHH
This video is a classic.

HOW CAN SHE SLAP! LOOOOOOOL ' You faaaaa'

LISTEN CAREFULLY TO EVERYTHING SAID, AND WATCH HIS BOY SLYLY DUCK OFF STAGE!

The Swaggest Help Forum

OH MY JEEDAY JAWS (whatever happened to him? he was a good MC)
Anyway
Initially I was gonna write a different post.
But i found this one much funnier.

Click This To View The Picture/Forum. Its Mad.

The Swaggest Video Of The Week

...:::Update:::...

I Swear Down, Im Jus Gonna Update Once Or Twice A Week. I'm Too Busy To Keep Up...But On To The Swaggest Video Of The Week

...:::End Of Update:::...

Erm
I Dunno
What To Say
Just....
The Guys In This Video

STRONG HOMO

The Swaggest Transport System

I Swear.
This Is A TwoIn One.
We'll Start Off With The Shortest.

BLACKJACK
Sickest Game Ever. And Im The King

Im Playing In Law Class [Lesson Was Swag Anyway]
And One Guy Tries Kicking If Off By Dropping A BlackJack [Which Means Pick Up 5 cards]
Then The Next Guy Drops Another BlackJack [Now Its Pick Up Ten Cards]
THey're All Laughing And Shizzle, Then BAM BOOM BIFF BOFF, THROW SOME 2'S ON THAT BISH



On To The Original Topic - The Swaggest Transport System
They're Actually Swag.
Why On Earth Is It That One Side Of The Bus [That I Sit On] Is Squashed Like A Mother Fudger.
Making My Knees Do Some Bends Like A Pretzel.

Whereas Its BAREEEEEEEEEEEE Spacious On The Other Side

Now...
Im Ona 123 Going Walthamstow.
And The Bus Says Its On Diversion. It Goes Down A Road [Where Its Meant To], Reaches A Roundabout, And Comes Back To Where We Started, Then Goes On Some Next Route Going Towards Leyton.
HE STOPS THE BUS AND STARTS SAYING: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, I'M LOST!

WHAT THE FUDGE?!?!?!?!!?!? HE STOPS AND STARTS ASKING PEOPLE IN TRAFFIC FOR DIRECTIONS. HE THEN STARTS ASKING PEOPLE ON THE BUS FOR DIRECTIONS. WE'RE JUST LIKE =| OH MY JEEEDAY JAWSS. WHAT IS THIS?!
I Went Late To Lesson That Day. My Teacher Didn't Believe Me. So I Took His Photo And This Video As Proof.

Would You Trust This Guy Driving Your Bus?


Here's The Video Still!!!

The Swaggest Products On Sale

Three Words.
EL
OH
EL
Certain Girls In London Need To Buy This.


Now. Madonna. She's Like. 83 Or Something But She Still Goes On Tour And Has Her Own Perfume...Which Is Being Sold In The One Pound Store Opposite Brixton Station.


Certain Females Are Getting This For Birthdays And Christmas!

The Swaggest Security & Nando's

Listen.
The O2 is SWAG
SHUT UP.
NO DISCUSSION
ITS ACTUALLY SWAG [Except Matter - FIREEE CLUB!]

Anyway
If You've Been There, You'll See That Theres A Swag Security System. There Is A Lil Metal Detector On The Side, Where You VOLUNTARILY Walk Through. Bin Friggin Laden Could Waltz In Then GO To The Dumbest Nando's In History.

[I Woulda Had Pics Of The Security, But They Were Watching Me And I Wasn't On Being Rugby Tackled]

Anyway, On To Nando's. Me, Juelz And Merv [Mahta Joins After]
Mervin Can't Actually Order. This Is The Actual Convo:

Worker - What Do You Want To Order
Merv - Errrrrrrrm, Some...Rice.
Worker - Anything Else?
Merv - Erm, Chicken. Quarter...I Think, Yeah.
Worker - How Hot?
Merv - Erm. Oh Right. Lemon And Herb[WIMP!] And I Want Bread. You Know, The Bread...Whats It Called Again?
Juelz - Pitta Bread?
Merv - YEAH THAT'S IT..........Wait, No. Erm, That Bread. You Know. The One With Garlic....
Juelz,Worker,Me - Garlic Bread
Merv - YEAAAH
Worker - ......Do You Want A Drink?
Merv - Yea. What Drinks You Got? I Want Fanta. Can I Have It In A Glass...
Worker,Me,Juelz - ..........................................................
Worker - We Give You The Glass.......

ANYWAY.
We're Eating Now. Juelz And Merv's Chickens Look Like SHYT Compared To Mine [Merv Isa Wimp...Asked For Lemon And Herb, But Julie Made Him Switch To Medium]
AND THEY PUT KETCHUP ON THE CHICKEN. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO!?!?!?!?.


I Get Up To Get A Drink. And Hit My Head On This

Who The Hell Thought This Would Be A Good Design Idea? IT FRIGGIN BURNT ME.
CLEARLY I DIDN'T LET JUELZ KNOW OR SHE WOULDA WROTE ABOUT IT HERSELF.

Still, Im Tired.
More Soonish

The Swaggest Chicken N Chip Shop

I Think This Was In Bath Still.



4 WINGS, CHIPS AND A DRINK, £3.29!
2PIECE CHICKEN, CHIPS AND A DRINK, £3.29

MADDDDDDDD

Chicken Cottage In Ilford - 5 Wings Chips n a Drink - £2.50
2 Piece Chicken Chips n a Drink - £2.00

SHADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAP
I Don't Wanna Hear No North Londoners Come TO Me About Chick King

The Swaggest Portrait!

The Drawing Skills My Economics Class
Are Ona Seriously Swag Level. Barry's Rants Get No Respect On A Wednesday Afternoon So We Decided To Try Out Our Art Skills. Mine Is The 'Why So Serious' One.
CHIMMY, DONT KILL ME!

FINALLY - THE SWAGGEST UPDATE!!!

Jeeeeeeez
This Update Is A Week Overdue
But, What Can Ya Do Eh?
Like Julie Wud Say ''Ive Had Bare S**t to do!''

What Exactly HAVE i been doing? WHERE TO START. FIRST OFF LEMMIE SAY THAT HOTMAIL IS TOOO SWAG.

WTF IS THIS ABOUT? I LEAVE FOR A WEEK AND I GET 4639 EMAILS?!
Swear Ima Leave It For A Month SO They Delete Everything For Me.

Anyway, This Post Is Just To Say That Im Back...Bun The Post Time, I Wrote This On Tuesday But Couldn't Find Any Photos Cos My Photo Phone Was In Ma Locker...I Was Jus Like...

The Swaggest...Video Of The Week

The Swaggest.....City

Ok. SO It Has Been Almost Two Weeks Since I Updated. Its Been A Busy Two Weeks Though. Had Auditions[Which I Got Through!], Had A 3000 Word Essay To Write, And Had Some Open Days.

[BATH IS THE SWAGGEST CITY IN ENGLAND, I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS].
The racism was immense. Bus driver tried to run us over WHILST laughing. Two idiots in Burger King Were Chatting Pie, And Some Old Man In A Coffee Shop Was Mumbling DooDoo when we walked past.

ANYWAY. Thats Not What This Post Is Even About. This IS About ''The Swaggest Video Of The Week'' Starring Me! Me N An Anonymous Guy Were In Loughborough For Open Day, And I Took Some Sick Spoonful Of Ice Cream...I Had One Dumb Brain Freeze. But An Anonymous Guy, Being His Bi-sexual Self, Decideds To Start Making Some Odd Noises Whilst I'm Eating....But Yea...Here You Go.

The Swaggest.....Saying

I Dont Care What ANYONE says
The Swaggest Saying In The World Is
''You Can't Buy Happiness''
Not Only Can You Buy Happiness, But You Can Buy It For £4.88 at Woolworths in Camberly

The Swaggest.....News Reporter

Oh. My. Gawd.
Ma Cuzzi G2Da3 showed me this video. This news reporter is FAWKD.

This Guy Needs To Work For Sky News, BBC News, Chanel4 news, EveryTHING.



Im Out..This Was A Short One
''Im dying in this f**king country ass f**ked up town''
LOOOOOOOL

The Swaggest....Engagement

NEWS FRIGGIN FLASH

DANIELLE LLOYD & DJ IRONIK ENGAGED?
I laughed so much a little piss actually came out
Jumped from Teddy Sherringham [Man Utd Legend]
To Fifty [Not Fiddy...Live'rs Understand it]
To DJ I-FRIKKIN-RONIK
j33z...
Just...j33z

Read It Yourself [Click Here]

On That Matter Though. I Still Can't Imagine: MARIAH CAREY AND NICK CANNON
Whats HE Got

That I don't?

[Say money and I'll throw a cat at you]

P.S. My Suit Is better...Be Honest

The Swaggest.....Children Show & Christmas Present

Aye. Boots is 'Ard.
Look What Someone Bought For Their Mumzie. Not Even Baiting Up Who


Thats FAWKED Mate
Might Back it For Certain people This Year Still...
ANYWAY.
I Was Googling [Like U Do When U Shud Be Doin Economics Work]
And I Found A New Advert For Sesemea Street[However the Heck You Spell It]
Picture The New Tickle Me Elmo...
You Tickle It And It Says



Might Back That Toy If My Child Makes Too Much Noise

The Swaggest.....Christmas Carol

NIGERIANS.
Thats More Than Needed [Yes, I Know Im Nigerian, So What?]
That Naija Boy Thing Was Hard. But This Is Too Much. But...To Be Honest
If They Came Carolling At My Door Id Crease And Give Them Some Yam.
This Is Still Swag [I Swear To You The Guy In Glasses And The Guy At The End Next To Him Have Beef In The Break]
AND I SWEAR They Have Problems Counting LOL. Watch The Vid. You'll See.



Leave Comments And All That Jazz. Next Video : Touch It Video...LOL. Wait Till You See It, You'll Die

The Swaggest....Introduction!

Right. Lets Get It Kicking. I [Josh] Spent Summer Working At LIVE Magazine[Below]


And Everyone Is On This Blogging Thing. So I Thought I Might Aswell Make One [After Diana, Lawrence and Juelz Forced Me]. SO Here It Is. The Swaggest Blog Ever.

If Its Swag, Its Here. People, Videos, Games, Etc. Reason Being, Theres Alotta Swag Things Around Here, And They Make Me Laugh. So..Yea..Keep Coming Back. I'll Try To Update Every 3 - 7 Days.