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Sunday, 28 December 2008

The Swaggest..........WAIT A MINUTE!!!

RIGHT
Stop the presses
Call up BBC, ITV, Channel4, Channel5, E4, EVERYONE

I'm stopping Thatsswag.......







For this post =P
It has come to my attention that certain people don't know how to do certain things. So this post is dedicated to three important things that people need to learn to do..

So here we go!
Thatsswag.blogspot.com's very own ''HOW TO'' guide




•How to host an event

-If you're the host of a show. Don't have some dull voice cos you
just set the tone of the whole event. Especially if you have a time
limit. Wasting time will not get you a refund on your hire fee.

-Why on earth would you rent somewhere and say the event starts at 6 o
clock and you, as the organiser, reach at 8 o clock. Once again you
won't get a refund on your hire fee.

-If you want people to dance do NOT have seats or tables. They WILL
get sat on you waste. If you MUST have seats do NOT under any
circumstance have too many. It will just make the event look 10x
deader. So if it's dead already then you got a major KO.

-If your paying a DJ £500 then you should tell him what type of music
is played. If the music is dead you can't blame the DJ in anyway!

-Remember. If the venue is swag, you KO'ed your own event from the start

-If it's an African event, expect all left overs to be taken. Do not
expect to get a drink or food after the event as the chances are like
0.0000001%


•How to enjoy a shubz

-Certain girls act up infront of cameras like their models. It's a
party not a photoshoot

-Don't pay ten pounds entry to look militant in the corner of the
room. Don't player hate on people dancing either. That's like paying
ten pounds to hate on someones myspace. It don't make sense.

-If you can't handle your drink
Don't drink! Certain people will stamp you out for vomitting on their
top or spilling drink on them

-SKANK. If you can't skank two step. If you can't two step you
shouldve stayed at home.


•How to be an average grade London MC

Disclaimer: Taken From Boondocks - Story Of Gangstalicious



-Get a producer no one has heard of who makes catchy beats. If you
can't so that then : limewire>search>flukes

-If your gonna mc in public then make sure you take atleast 30 people
with you so that they can drown out the boo's

-Make up bars that people can't even hear properly but have easily
recognisable last words.
Example: klsj;agfakl;sjgfaskl;jfg;asjkgfklasgfklsgflkhasg reign, asjkl;jklfasjklfhkajsfhklsjfgkljasgfkljasgfjkla pain, shlakgfwuigrioasjlgfklgaslfashlgfj fame, shakjfaghskfhgalhkgfahkgwriasughfjihasj game

-Come up with a tagname that doesn't make sense. E.g. Tinchy Stryder.
Chipmunk. Devlin. Mojo. [I will cross these names off if you can tell me why they're named that]

-And do not forget, you must always talk alotta smack, like you been pushing drugs since 3, got shot at 7, shot someone at 12, became a drug lord and 15 and are now worth a millie.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

The Swaggest Event

College Link Up








Click it








If it doesn't work
Ask someone who knows/went to it

Nuff Said

Sunday, 21 December 2008

The Swaggest Morals

Listen though
The world is officially corrupt
THey're now using babies to gain money?

Before i continue...let me explain.
Its the pampers advert. You may have seen it, you may not. But regardless here it is:





Whats swag/corrupt about that?
Go to the ending, like 28/29 seconds, PAUSE, and read the small print.

If you cant see, here it is:


Still dont see?!?!



If you didn't know, 0.047 euro's is equivalent to 0.03p...AND THAT GETS ONE VACCINE!?

The cheapest pack of Pampers is £5.98 according to Sainsburys.co.uk
If they donated all of that money, they'll be able to get 19,933.3 vaccines....

Pampers are MORALLY SWAG!

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

The Swaggest Computer Desk

Trust me
I was NOT gonna update till like, friday
But something happened last night [Monday 15th December 2008] that NEEEDS an advertisement
Listen.........



























My computer desk broke!
And in Jwls fashion, im gonna do a picture blog for this. So its a plog...whatever.


So obviousli, for a while now, my computer desk[from now on called desk] has had a crack in it from 1 time i got vex n jus punched it...


But last night...i dunno wtf happened. I musta pushed to hard on it with my hand or something.... something like so:


So...my desk went from looking like this:


To this:





Im bare switchin cos this is happening at like, 00.45am - 2.00am. i was bare wondering wtf to do. but luckily, i found some next piece of wood [which broke from the desk time ago] and put drill holes on the side and did some carpentry ting, so now it looks like:




-------------------------------------------

What lesson did i learn from all this?


Spinach will give you Popeye strength that can break through all substances

P.S. I have popeye strength, the desk is wolverine wood. Clearly Popeye would DUPPY Wolverine off.
100% FACT

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

The Swaggest Items...And One Not So Swag

-------------------------------------------------
THIS IS A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
BUN EMA! SCUMBAGS!!!

I HAVE RECEIVED 0 FOR THE PAST 4MONTHS!!!!! AND THEYRE TELLING ME
IM EFFECTIVELY WAITING UNTIL JANUARY? GONNA BE ONE SICK BACKDATE PAYMENT!!!
----------------------------------------------------

Back On Topic!
I'll Keep these short and simple 'cos I've been writing stories lately!

1st Up!
The African Carpet brush which doubles as an 'anonynmous' friends hair brush!



Next in line we have the biggest bottle of Kidney failure you will ever see

Note : The Speaker next to it is the same height as a bedside drawer!![Its Hennessey By The Way]


Last but not least, this generations version of where's wally. We present to you...
WHERE'S BIN LADEN!? [Sold in all good HMV stores...]


I wont lie...it's a good book!

The Swaggest Mum

Not my mum
DONT GET IT TWISTED!

However, this woman is.
Once again, East Ham. Outside Sainsbury's
Her little son, was CRYING for her. Screaming ''MUMMMY''
Rather than picking him up, what did she do?
Walked off smiling. As well as that, rather than picking up her son...she was busy holding.....




A LETTUCE!



Coming To A Newspaper and News Channel Near You
Maddie pt. 2. Was that joke too soon? Ah well, i am not Politically Correct. I am not a P.C
I am a Mac![Apple iTouch really...but meh!]

The Swaggest Clothes

Trust me.
Its Christmas time [which i don't really care for 'cos it isnt REALLY Jesus' birthday..but that story is for another time]
People are going CRAZYYY shopping, and with this VAT cut you save .......a pound!! Alistar Darling pars MY budget.

Still, the one thing people will buy is clothes...thats because they're the cheapest thing
But i draw the line at stripping on MY, i repeat MY 145 Bus!!



Butterz clothes aswell!

Next up
PRIMARK
I have no problem with Primark or its shoppers, unless its the one in East Ham.
I was meant to meet someone there, and whilst waiting i saw these two woman Christmas carroling to get money for charity...

I will repeat that
Two women were Christmas carrolling outside Primark in East Ham


.....
Don't see the problem?
YOUR ASKING FOR MONEY OUTSIDE PRIMARK!!
Its like going into the Pound store and stealing
IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Lets play a game
Spot the white person in Primark!



Primark is an Ethnic Par I Swear!


However, i am NOT exempt from this Christmas shopping spree.
Believe i went out to buy one book, came home with all of this:



Saving is swag, put my clothes up in the bag!

The Swaggest Health Regime

I am NOT healthy.
I do SOME exercise, but i am NOT healthy.
HOWEVER
Even by MY standars, the following foods are diabetes in a box/ona plate


Sainsbury's are SCUMBAGS!
First off, the stop making 10 packs of doughnuts
Then i read the box and it tells me that the doughnuts are FROZEN then heated.
Tell me, why is it in the fresh bakery section?!
Then i realised they're trying to kill me.



DO YOU SEE ALL THAT SUGAR ON THE BOTTOM?
If that was cocaine you could DIE!!!!

But...once again I AM NOT HEALTHY
So me making cholestoral sandwiches areb blessed:



DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE LETTUCE. This sandwich had more grease than the bottom of a KFC bargain bucket.

Saturday, 6 December 2008

The Swaggest Update...Maybe?

My Blog Is Crying.
Trust Me...I Haven't Been On For Almost A Month
But bear with me like a panda
i promise i will make it up to you lot over the week...still heres something to feed your appetite



I played my mum Rachel Hylton's X-Factor Audition Video :

Mum -[african accent syle] Oh, she's tryin to sound like Amy Winehead. Where is she now? hospital?
Me - .......................................
Me - IM SORRY. I cant let it go, Did you just say Amy Winehead?!
Mum - Is that not her name?
Sister - No...
Me - Her name is Amy Winehouse
Mum - Okok. But Why is she singing Amy Redwine's song

.................................

Anyway, Onto The Swaggest Town

ROMFORD
I Swear i thought that there was no where worse than Ilford.
I WAS WRONG. Romford is full of clubs, kebab shops, a lidl and a McDonalds.
I go Into McDonalds....AND THEY'RE CHARGING ME £1.80 FOR A FLIPPING MCFLURRY
AND £1 FOR ONE
I REPEAT
ONE!!!
APPLE PIE
WTF!?!??!?!

The Swaggest Safe Sex Convo

It happens to all of us.
The talk
Yes, THE TALK.
I thought i got away with it cos it didnt happen yet.
But my mum gave me the swaggest safe sex talk ever.

It started with her saying something about me lying with a girl or hugging her or whatever...

Mum - Make sure she doesn't get you on a latch
Me - What?
Mum - On latch!
Me - Ok.....I thought she was going to say not to get her pregnant
Sister - Thats what she meant! I understood!
Mum - Exactly! You shouldn't even be doing the deed.
Me - Deed? Say the word!!!
Mum - [African Style] Ah, I have told you before. Even kissing a girl can get her pregnant!
Me & Sister - HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Alot...