The Swaggest Days Out

Well, Well, Well.
Its Been A While But I Don't Apologise So....



My timetable is a JOKE. Sleep - Revision - Poop - Revision.
But whilst Saw4 is playing infront of me, I figured I might as well update. Better 3.09am than never, right?

So, whats been going on during the time I've left you? Nonsense.

1.People have been celebrating birthdays in KFC [Not with me]

ONLY IN STRATFORD

2.How can you come KFC and only eat skin [Stupid Chanaide] And Why Is There Ice In My Drink?



3.I nearly died @ Bank station. They weren't even joking about the gap.


4.Sainsbury's in Stratford went ona mad one..


5.Some racist little girl was GRIPPIN onto her mums bag when I came and sat down.


6.I met a pregnant security guard.

ITS'A MAN BTW!

7.Ilford Library went on a mad one.



8.I merked golf on my first go [Par 2 Snatch n Diablo]


9.I found the source of every girl in London's weave


10.And I found out YOUR problem


Now. Im Off To Finish Saw4 and start Saw5.
Ill Update again after revision.
But before I go, here's a lil video for ya:

The Swaggest Exam Techniques

Revision Isa Par.
As Stated previously, I got bare work to do!!

But I haven't forgotten you people!
I have 9 Exams incase you wanna know!

4 Law, 4 Economics, 1 Performance[I know, not really an exam is it?]

But anyway, I hate the actual exams more than the revision [CLEARLY]. But what do I hate more than exams?




















STUDENTS!

YES, YOU!

You guys take the piss!

I Dunno who i hate more...

1.the swag ones who ask for more sheets of paper.

WHY?! There was 16sheets in the booklet. What the hell could you POSSIBLY be writing!?

2.them guys that finish 30minutes early.

How DARE you have a nice quick nap whilst I'm bricking it like I had some dodge kebab from Salami's the night before.

3.them guys doing the rolex sweep.

YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN!!

Waving your arm around so much that you'd piss off Wiley/JME/Skepta. WHY DO IT!?

Making me vex and what not. Swear down, it makes wanna cry like....



[Taken after January Exam Results...SWAG!]

Right, before everything lets do a quick FAQ:

Q.Why don't you consistently update?
A: Cos I have a life which is filled with all this swagness. If I didn't how could i write about it!?

Q.Do you overexaggerate your stories?
A:No. Which is why most of them have photgraphic evidence.

Q.What is the point of this blog?
A:To bait out the FOOLISHNESS in the UK

Now...On To The Blog!

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So Help Me God.

I will NEVER forget this walk to college.

Usually, this would not have scared me but...

DAMN!

This was crazy. Basically, the 123 bus terminated...ON THE MOTORWAY[access road] .

So me and Eman decide to walk through a path...which we should never have chosen...

The reason for this was, two days previous, i watched "The Unborn". Don't see the relevance?

Well basically, there's one scene in the film where a dog turns its head round upside down...

Now imagine how I felt when this happened....[Allow my voice!]

The Swaggest Drinker

Lets Start off with a little maths.

14 or so shots + severe travel sickness = WATER GUN!! [you'll see the relevance soon]

Now. It was one of my friends' birthday party of Sunday.
As usual, I was late...Pretty much 3 and a half hours late.
But thats not the point.
I reached the venue and I see, what I can only describe as
"A giant snail-race trail".

You can see the trail next to my Co-D Garry. [Real Talk Though, WTF Does Co-D mean?]



Now. I couldn't get a full recording of her because SOMEONE kept getting in the way.
But I got pictures of her on my "You've Been Swagg'd" Machine.



If you were there, I promise you wouldv'e laughed your nipples off.


I apologise for the jazz quality, my Nokia 6300 if SWAG @ night.

Now. I never recorded the actual water gun...that would just be grim.
However, I, and my CO-D[I dunno] did our own reinactment.



And that leads to....



She did him proud...


So What Have You Learned?




























SQUIRTLE'S WATERGUN ROCKS

The Swaggest Blogging System

They're SO Swag.
I wanted to move to them because they have an iPhone application, but its not worth it.
I can't even upload videos directly on to it. Telling me I have to upload it onto YouChoob or something, THEN embed it on my page.

NONSENSE!?

For this reason[and due to the lack of a logo] Garry says...



You'll see the relevance of that picture soon...

The Swaggest - Short Part I

I did this for the lol's.
I think it's HIIIIIIIIIIII-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIOUSSSS
I'm gonna start doing this on strangers.


BUT YOU'RE SWAG - SHUT UP!

The Swaggest Type of Food

Food. Food. Oh Magical Food.
The More You Eat. The More You...Poo?
But really, Fish is the swaggest type of food.
EVER INVENTED!
[I know fish wasn't invented but I said it for dramatic effect]
By the end of this blog, you WILL agree with me.

Anyway. I'ma tell the story in a....POEM!

Its Thursday night.
The fridge is empty.
My stomach is
Rumbling plenty.
There's food cooking
But it's fish
If it ain't got chicken
Then it ain't a dish.
Three pound ninety
Thats all I need
To get myself
Gourmet Chinese
Hop in Redrum
Get to the buffet
"Large takeaway box" is all I say.

/Poem. [End poem for you non-computer literate]

Ok. Them HUNGRYYYY times. CHinese was calling me.
All that was on fire was fish. And this is why I was NOT eating it, no matter what happened[Spoken in true family guy fashion. You'll see...]:



Bare chicken in my box, who the heck needs noodles?!

The Swaggest....I Just Dont Know!?

14th March 2009. Roughly 10.30pm.
It was a sad day.
I lost a dear comrade.
He's been there through the thick and thin.


IT'S NOT A JOKE!!
If you know me, you know that I NEVER let it out of my sight. I also keep it in the pockets where I can feel it. So believe the shock I was in when I felt my pocket and it was not there. There are only two ways I could have lost possession of that iPod. Either

a. I was shot and the scumbag took my iPod right after, or
b. Someone did juju.

Im still alive, so it must have been b.
There's alot of scumbags out there, so if any of you do juju to my iPhone, holy water is being dashed in your face.

As some of my blog content was written ON my iPod, im screwed. I also have no idea when I'm meant to do things. I'M LOST. But, I'll blog the stuff I have pictures for.

Now let the show begin....

The Swaggest Customer Service

Yea Yea
Its Nearly Been A Month
Its Been A Stupid Month
Filled With Planning...Revising...Raving...Dentist Appointments...Smelly Bus Rides...And Throwing Up Which Someone Said Looks Like This:



But Anyway...Lets Get To The Subject.
We All Know Burger King Is On My Hate List..BUT NOW KFC?!?!



Fam. Its Nuts. But I Don't Hate KFC, Just the Ilford branch.
If You know me, and have been to a KFC with me, you know I tell the worker: Leg and Thigh Only. When it comes to a bucket, I say: NO WING. How the hell can you call a wing a piece of chicken!?

I told the woman NO WING cos we we're buying a bucket... [I'm sorry i didn't record this, but I left my phone at home =/] she says: OK. Im waiting TEN MINUTES FOR MY BUCKET, she didn't even give me an extra peice, like they usually do, for waiting.

When we open the bucket here's what I see:

NO THIGH
NO LEG
3 BUTT PIECES [The one with the butters bone or whatever right through the middle]
3 Side breasts [I'll allow]
4 FRICKIN WINGS?!

..................................................................
..................................................................
Listen, there's 3 things you don't do to a black guy: Cut in line, Call him stupid, or mess with his CHICKEN!? ARE YOU NUTS?!
Put the lid on. Grabbed car keys. We're going back.
ARE YOU NUTS?!

This is the genuine conversation:

Me: I was here less than 5 minutes ago and ordered a bucket...
Fraff Worker[FW]:Yes..
Me: Swear I said to you no wings, you said OK, i get home, AND I SEE 4 WINGS!?
Fraff Worker[FW]: Erm...Sorry the chicken wasnt ready...I didn't want to keep you waiting
Me: Don't gimmie that jazz! I SAW YOU BRING OUT A FRESH TRAY OF CHICKEN FROM THE OVEN! You already kept me waiting 10 minutes! From when I say NO WINGS and you give me FOUR, your fully violating!
[FW]: Errr...
Me: Look. I don't care what your excuse is, just change the wings for thighs. Wings do not fly with me [cheesy i know but meh]
[FW]: Okok.

THIS IS HOW I KNOW SHE VIOLATED!! She went STRAIGHT to the oven and got me thighs.

Me: WHAT!? Why couldn't you do that the first time if the chicken wasn't ready hmm?!
[FW]: Sorry..

I check the box now yea, and the manager says:

"Why are you checking the box. There's no need"

.........................................................

Me: ^o)[MSN icon] - OF COURSE THERE'S A NEED. FROM WHEN I TELL YOU NO WINGS AND YOU GIVE ME 4 WINGS, YOU THINK IM NOT GONNA CHECK?!

KMTTTTTTTTTT

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Gone.

The Swaggest Hunger Fighter

Burger King are BASKETS!
Baskets are tell you!
If you've seen they're new £1.99 advert and the credit crunch is starting to slap you in the face with a wet fish, you may feel like its a good idea to try it out.

DON'T!!
The meal is not worth the ''squilla''

I was mad hungry aswell. I was ready to beat up a cow, go to one them chinese resturants and then throw it on a grill and cook it myself. BUT I HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS?!


The proportions of the food was not equal to the amount spent on the food.


INCASE YOU DO NOT SEE THE PAR, HERE IS THE ZOOMED IN VERSION


But to make things worse, my dear "friends"...

...decided to make a list of food i could've bought with that £2.
We came out with:

4 Chicago Town Pepperoni Pizzas
A bag of 24 nuggest and microwave chips from Iceland
2 pieces of chicken and chips @ Any serious chicken shop
4 wings, chips and a drink
6 wings and chips
2 chicken shop pizza's
The KFC box meal
McFlurry and 2 apple pies
2 Apple pies and a drink
2 Apple pies and a Chicken Mayo
Bare Tesco value jazz
I COULD HAVE BOUGHT POTATO'S AND MINCE TO MAKE THE BURGER AND CHIPS >_<

To make it worse, "my friends" decide to go to the fast food place i hate the most...but had madman meal.



They didn't even allow me a chip.
The feeling I had...words cannot express it...so I had to...


NOPE. FACEPALMING IS NOT THE LICK ANYMORE...I HAVE CREATED















FACEDESK!
Get on the bandwagon, BUT DO NOT BUY THIS MEAL >=[

The Swaggest Word Verification Part II

AGAIN!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!?!??!
Now Hotmail are trying it!!!

The Swaggest Entertainment

Its official
Entertainment is dead. If not then, in the words of Lil Wayne, "had a heart attack".
But WHO is bringing it back?

if you know me, you know i dont watch the following channels on sky:

Channels 350(except runs house) - 400 [i dunno where the music channels end but you get me]

Why? 'Cos music is all the same.
IS IT JUST ME OR IS MUSIC MORE REPETITIVE?!
Example? Single Ladies.
Shurrup you know i'm right. Then you got all these sub-standard tracks that just repeat the same 4 lines for like 2 minutes.

Lyrics are meaningless
Chorus' are longer than verses.
Verses are like bridges
Hooks are just ooohs and ahhhs

I blame this for starting it off:

LL Cool J - control myself

Zazazazazazazazazazaza my ass.
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Music outta the way. TV Time. TV SUCKS!
It sucks HARD
I swear it's full of idiotic reality shows. Celeb Big Bro? Shurrup. No one on there is a celebrity. All of them WANT to be celebrities again.
EastEnders is predictable. They're not even killing people anymore.
HollyOaks is straining out its storylines.
I don't look forward to any TV shows, I swear.

Speaking of which however, for all EastEnders watchers. You see on fridays episode[Tiffany's birthday], am I the only person who was waiting for Tony to walk in and be like

"Hello Tiffany...".

Woulda been a better ending than finding out Ricky could be/is her dad. =/
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I'm not a cinema guy. We all know it. I don't like paying like £6 for some crap film.

But, cos Samuel L Jackson and Eva Mendez were in it and it was made by the people that made 2 of my favourite films [Sin City & 300], its GOT to be spectacular!











I WAS WRONG. Oh, and my Bloody Valentine 3D sucks too.

Guess Who's Back?

Itsa me........MARIO

Thank you...thank you...Im back in my Redrum...- My Fiat Punto!


Im so ahead, i can't even see you in my rear view!!
SHURRRRRRRRUP!

Exams tok over my life, then celebrating the end of my exams took over the past 4 days and now the cold is beating up my body and my arm is banging from all them snowballs and tackles....But anyway

THis will be a lengthy-ish blog, so sit tight.

First up, My 3rd Favourite Show [1st - Scrubs, 2nd - Smallville] is back!

HEROES!!!
Only online though...UK slacks...Find it here

Anyway. I wanna take the time off my regular 'Swag' stuff to....well, tell you how great it is. No. Really. The first episode was like, KH;ASBGFBGFAKSHFK;SB;ALSJBF?!

Too many questions! Too many comments!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

In fact, highlight the next part 'cos i know there'll be that one douchebag that reads and is angry at me [YES. YOU!]

As you know, Nathan snaked everyone out. The first ep shows the 'Hunter' [BADMAN] tryna get all the people with powers. He's so mad. I swear, the last 5 minutes i was like "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Anyway on to some quick points:

1.Mohinder Is Live. He can control his powers and he isn't ugly[well...LOL]anymore
2.Nathan and Angela Petrelli are on some snakey flex, but Nathan is the devil. Don't care what you say.
3.When I first watched the ep, i said "Peter you never learn...so gullable". BUT WAIT. He lied to Nathan! He knew whats good! Its joke. Peter is like his dad...Kinda. His Power switched up...when he touches people he gains their power[dunno if they keep it too, haven't seen the after-effects yet, or whether he can use them at the same time..or if there's a time limit]
4.THANK GOODNESS. A BEGINNING EPISODE WITH NO TIME TRAVEL!!!!!
5.Parkman is useless. But the producers snaked the original dude who could draw the future and gave Parky the power too =[
6.Claire ISN'T waste anymore. She doesn't even need her healing powers. She's cranked!
7.Sylar ain't being caught by nobody! He's still the friggin boss. #1 Character...He's the only person with proper character development!


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We interrupt this blog to bring you an advertisement in association with Overly JuCee



Get involved punks!

That is all!
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Bun face palming....
I've taken it to a new level
When you just read something so STUPID online or whilst near a table....Heck you can do it with an air table!


FACE-DESKING
Get Acquainted!
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As people should know [cos i said it previously]
I've been going hard with revision...

I've been baning out supermalt, boost, redbull, rockstar and relentless....



BAD BOY REVISION DRINKS!
I wont lie. I nearly threw up when i saw this.....




GET SOME NAIL CLEANERS. FAIRY LIQUID. SOMETHING!?

Anyway. Hopefully the revision paid off....
But before i leave you. I need SOMETHING in here to call swag or this has been perfectly off topic.

So here's this....I finished my last exam....And they gave our phones back but we were still under exam conditions and bare papers hadn't been given in.
Do you know how easy it was for me to do this?!


P.S...Not all the graffitti on there is by me!


OUT!

That Swaggest Word Verification

Facebook is a

PAR

Trust me
You know when you try posting links on FB you have to do some word verification to show your not some robot. Fair enough, HOWEVER, it is now taking the mickey.

THEY ARE NOT GIVING ME LEGITIMATE WORDS!
Plog[picture blog] time!

Basically, I tried to send someone [whose Page i have blacked out for privacy] a link to my blog and I got all this nonsense.



If you can tell me that word, I will give you a fiver.



But twice?!?!



Since when were numbers a word?!

I'm off

WTF Moments Part I

First and foremost


HAPPY NEW YEAR

New year, new concepts, new swagness..I wanna say new layout but not yet...
However, HOLLA @ ME!!

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Now, I'm gonna try and do these WTF Moments on a regular basis.
For those who don't know what a WTF Moment is, her is a dictionary definition:

What the fuck[wtf] moment [hwot,stressed thee, fuhk, moh-muhnt] adjective:

1. When something that defies all laws of logic takes place. Example:
-Joshua stops eating at KFC

2. When words cannot explain how odd a scenario is. Example:
-You go Soho and don't understand if it is a man or woman

3. When a moment just does not make sense. Example:
-Maddie McCann reappearing

Now, since the year 2000, there have been SO many WTF moments. I want to take a moment to point some of these out!

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1. They found Saddam Hussain in a hole, under a mud shack... That's not the full WTF moment. The full part is this:

Soldiers also recovered two AK 47 rifles, $750,000 in $100 denominations and a white and orange taxi in the raid.

A WHITE AND ORANGE TAXI!? What was he doing with a white an orange taxi? I can picture it now

Saddam: Hey guards, I wanna go into town. Visit a few bars, get a few girls over, pop some bottles. *Phone rings* Yea, Osama we'll whip round soonish. Feds are on my tag.

SERIOUSLY!?

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2. I dunno if a lot of people know who this woman is. But she made me laugh. Dame Hellen Mirren. She's been in Inkheart..National Treasure... BUT thats not important. She's a dame. Which means she has been knighted or whatever by the Queen. However...

Dame Helen Mirren dabbled with drugs but quit when she learned it was funding the lifestyle of a wanted Nazi war criminal.

A Nazi!? Not just some black guy down the alley. Not some shifty Off license shop. Not some dodgy guy in a bar. A NAZI? Klaus Barbie. His bounty is over $20million. And she has been buying coke from him?! WTF?!

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3. This is the last one that I am going to do for this month. You HAVE to watch Saw. Near the end of it. Its. Ri.Dic.U.Lous. Unfortunately I can't put up a clip. So I'll describe it to you.

Im gonna call these people Mr.A and Mr.B. Mr.A tells Mr.B to take his shirt off to reach a tape recorder as he is chained by his leg. [This happened at the beginning of the film.

Now, Mr.A is trying to reach a phone, which is closer to him [but still out of reach] that the tape player for Mr.B at the beginning. I'm sitting there saying TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AND REACH IT YOU FOOL. Bare struggling and stuff. HOWEVER...he finally takes it off...And he reaches for the phone, picks it up, talks with his wife, says where they are and lives hapilly ever after.........





NOT. The douchebag takes the shirt off, ties it to his leg, bites on one part of it and saws his foot of so he gets off the chain...
WTF?! Tell me, which one woulda made more sense.